How to Safeguard Your Marriage through Every Season

When you think of reasons for divorcing, you may immediately think of infidelity or abuse or conflict. But, according to Dr. John Gottman, the most prevalent reason couples divorce is disconnection. A gradual fading of emotional intimacy and engagement - relationship entropy, if you will. It may be easy to attribute this kind of disengagement to lack of effort or poor choice of mate but, in reality, this subtle danger often lurks behind many normal family and relationship transitions that often present opportunities for spouses to drift apart. With time and increased emotional distance, lovers slowly become roommates. Nevertheless, the danger lies not in these life events themselves, but rather in our responses to them. We may not have control over the circumstances we find ourselves in, but we do have control over whether we choose to reach for our loved ones or push them away. Or worse - do nothing at all. The question is, will we choose apathy and fade into connectionless oblivion or will we choose to love intentionally and fight for the most important relationship in our lives?

We will all experience difficult life circumstances at some point. For some, it may be a forced job change or family illness or challenging diagnosis. For others it may even be a happy life change – like the birth of a child. But either way, the focus shifts, and yet the powerful force of this change is underestimated, or worse yet unnoticed. We go into survival mode, often at the expense of our most intimate relationships. Going to bed at the same time is disrupted by sleep training a baby or important career deadlines. Spontaneous adventures become “too much work” – and when you factor in finances, childcare you can trust, work obligations, and decisions about where and when and how to go, it does begin to make more sense just to stay home. Most of these things are very much outside of our control, but that is exactly the point. We cannot avoid the trials of life in a broken world. Life is messy and relationships are complicated. But that’s not the end of the story. We live in a broken world, but we also know the One who has overcome the world. We can choose to pursue sanctification in our relationships just as we pursue it in our individual lives. We can choose to live more intentionally with our spouses so that we do not find ourselves living parallel lives in the same home. We choose how to spend our time. It just may be time to re-prioritize.

We live in a culture that does not place priority on the marriage relationship – rather the focus is on the self, the career, the family of origin, or the kids. Unfortunately, these societal trends and messages can be devastating for marriages – 

“You have to provide for your family, so career must come first.” 

“If you don’t put your kids first in everything, you’re not a good mom.” 

“You’re not in love anymore? Go find happiness somewhere else – you deserve it!” 

It is about time we stopped listening to these farcical tales that, truth be told, only end in more heartache, and started fighting for what is truly worth fighting for – a fulfilling and mutually sanctifying marriage. It is possible, despite what statistics and Hollywood may tell you. How do we know this? With God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). If we ask in earnest, our heavenly Father assures us that He will give us wisdom (James 1:5) to prioritize our lives, endurance to continue loving our spouses even when feelings or circumstances make it difficult (Colossians 1:29), and courage to fight the good fight every single day (1 Timothy 6:12) - for ourselves, for our spouses, for our marriages, for our families, for our churches, for our communities.

The reality is, the impact of your marriage is immeasurable - for better or for worse. It is not too late to reach for your beloved, to pull her close and remember what drew you to her in the very beginning, to pursue him as if you could never get enough - like you used to. Maybe your traditions will have to be tweaked, maybe you’ll need more scheduled dates instead of the spontaneous ones you’re used to, maybe you need to find a new shared hobby in this season of life. The idea is to do something. Be purposeful, be flexible, be determined. Don’t let your relationship succumb to the entropic forces that inflate the divorce statistic. And don’t let another day go by without communicating to your husband or wife, in word or deed (or better yet - both!), “I love you. I need you. And there is no one I’d rather have on my team.” 

For further reading, check out these recommended reads:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman, Ph.D.

The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties – William J. Doherty, Ph.D.

Habits of the Household: Practicing the Story of God in Everyday Family Rhythms - Justin Whitmel Earley

Author: Kalie Moore, MA, LCMHCA. Clinical Therapist. Co-Founder of Dwell Ministry, PC.